How To Play Chess

Chess Rules
Chess is played by two people. They sit across from each other with a board between them that has lots of pieces on it. The goal of the game is to make your pieces [/spin]consume|eat[/spin] your adversary’s pieces, eventually isolating your adversary’s king and forcing him to bend over. The chess pieces move in confusing ways, and very few people know how they move. Each player takes his turn, moving pieces until one of two conditions is satisfied. Either a player decisively defeats his opponent or both sides agree that they are too bored to continue playing, and so agree to draw.
When it first came about, the game of chess would end before it started, but the King of England decided that the game was too short, and as such he created a rule that all chess players must contemplate their next turn until the opponent shows signs of extreme boredom, and then wait for five minutes more. If the player makes a move before the opponent is annoyed, he is to be squirted upon by a lemon.
These are the modern revised rules.
Here are some rules from ‘Ye Olde Ruel Booke ov Cheese’
· White players always start because they are racist
· No playere maye [spin]defecate|urinate upon the piecies ov the bored
· All platypusses are to bee removed fromme the playing field before thine full moon.
· Correcte grammere and speeling muste be observed by all players, on pain of a very unpleasante wicker chair.
· Patrick Kennedy is to be kept well away from all the pawns.
FIDE Official Tournament Chess Rules include:
· White first rule: White always goes first. This rule can be traced back to the age of slavery when the white pieces were granted fifty moves before the black pieces were allowed to move. Note that there were very few good black players to arise out of this period of chess.
· The fifty move rule: if fifty consecutive moves involving pawns are made then the game is forthwith censored and declared a draw.
· The Touch-Move rule: if a player attempts to molest their opponent they must immediately move out of the playing area.
· Players are not allowed to make up their own rules: this rule does not apply to me, but it does apply to that chess club geek who keeps insisting that ‘castling’ and ‘en passant’ are actual rules and perfectly legal during games.
· ‘J’adoube’: ‘I adjust’ – an exception to the ‘Touch-move’ rule, if a player purrs at another player in French, they may molest them without penalty.
· Before making each move, a player must always have an agonizing look on his/her face
· Warm legs rule: The socks of both players must be at least knee high.
· Both players must wear a ‘chess helmet’ certified by FIDE. (Repealed in 1994 when players realized that regular chess was actually a harmless game and helmets only need be worn for more violent chess variations such as the ‘Drunken Bishop Throwing’ or ‘Exploding Pawn’ versions of the game).
· It is strictly forbidden to discuss horse-queen relationships, even hypothetically.
As the name of the article says, Chess rules!